Shouting at God
That is how I spent my morning. It isn't something I do all that often. In fact, I think the last time I had a real scream at God was about three and a half years ago when something fairly spectacularly bad was going on with some good friends of mine.
Maybe it is part of this whole Britishness thing (see last post) that means I don't tend to let all the anger out. Or be 100% honest, I tend to like to sugar coat things at the very least. I wouldn't want to offend.
Anyway, God took it well and ultimately pointed me to some Psalms that while not resolving the big issues of the shout, at least gave me enough peace to (mostly) be able to cope with the day.
This all led on, by some roundabout thoughts, to the image that I choose to project of myself. (I don't know if it is the image others see!)
When I was in the first year at uni, I remember discussing with a friend that we both actively chose to reveal quite a lot about ourselves and seem very open. This was not because we were very open - instead, it was a strange self defence mechanism: if we appeared so open and honest, no one would think we had anything we didn't want people to know and so would never push us. I'm not talking big skeletons in the closet or anything like that, just those girly insecurities and the like that you'd rather other people were not able to scrutinise.
So on moving to a different country for a while, I semi-consciously decided on the image I wanted to portray of myself. This was not a move to deceive everyone here or anything like that. Instead, it was an attempt to portray myself as I wanted to be in the hopes that that would help it happen. I can't say it has really been a success story, at least on the wanting to change myself front. But perhaps that is just how I feel today. And perhaps I shouldn't actually be wanting to change. Or at least, perhaps those aren't the important things to change or the things that should change. Gosh, I wish I didn't think so much.
I wonder what the gull thinks of all this introspection?
[For a recent discussion on whether talking to God/hearing God etc etc is sane, have a look a doctor/woman's recent post here.]
5 comments:
Got a great urge to say 'You go girl!' in a cheesy American accent.
Interesting about the 'revealing stuff'... I have a tendency to do it as well, and sometimes I (and Husband) wishes I didn't...
MM.xx
Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much as well. I am sure it makes it harder to just be yourself. How have you portrayed yourself differently in NZ then? I'm curious. Like the new colour scheme by the way! xx
MM - Appreciated! "revealing stuff" is also an interesting one. There are times when I wish I'd keep my mouth shut but then a good friend once pointed out, I wouldn't be me very much then! xx
d/w - Thanks! :) Thinking can be a bad thing can't it? Another good friend often marvels at my ability to think about things... xxx
What a very exciting new template! Hurrah for you!
I don't think I think about myself enough... if you see what I mean! I admire you all for knowing yourselves so well :) xx
Welshy - :) glad you like.
It might not be a bad thing so don't berate yourself too severely! xxx
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