Thursday, February 21, 2008

Home is Where?

When I last returned from an overseas expedition in November 2003, I struggled for some months to establish where home was. Not that I pined for any of the countries specifically that I had spent time in as they had been such brief visits, but having no particular home (and Husbink at that time staying in hospital accom wherever he was based) left me feeling baseless. It was too long since I had lived at my parents for Cambridge to feel like home. Husbink was technically not yet Husbink (in that it was still 7 months until our wedding) so his parents home was definitely not yet a home. Leeds had friends in it but neither of us had an abode there.

After about two weeks, I had a brief time when I suddenly left at home - sitting on the sofa of Mr & Mrs Scouse Dangermouse drinking tea. The next few months were drifty but with an upcoming wedding and the like, it was pretty easy to put roots down and get settled back into the Leeds life.

Now...

My natural instinct is to refer to Hutt as home. Cambridge remains not home, Carlisle (where we currently are) remains not home. And there are no other homes. Again, a visit to the home of Mr & Mrs SD last week and a day with them on Saturday aided the feeling of homeliness, they're good like that. If home is where the heart is, then home is very fragmented indeed. If home is where the Husbink is then I'm doing ok. If home is having a roof over your head, then I know I am blessed to have this, provided by friends and family even if I cannot currently provide my own.

I think though that home is less tangible than any of these things (even being where the heart is, when the heart is so torn) and it will be some time before I find it a comfortable word to use.

8 comments:

Amy said...

*stroky knees and tea* :) You will find "home". It will be an exciting place and situation when you find it, I am sure, but you will find it. xxxxx

PS word verification "urrjh" - how apt!

AdventuringJen said...

:) thanks hon!
Good word verification! tee hee! Mine almost has Husbink's name in it...maybe it's a sign...
xxx

doctor/woman said...

Sorry you're finding it disorientating being back. But soon you will find "home". In the meantime, when are you coming to our home? And also, maybe it will be comforting to remember that none of our homes are really here - "And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own." Hebrews 11:13-14

AdventuringJen said...

thanks d/w - it is something I try to hold on to. And holding on to the belief that this is all part of the "plan"...just we don't know what comes next. When I remember those things, everything is much better :)
xxx

Rosanna said...

What a beautiful post - though I'm not sure you would call it beautiful. Beautifully written, perhaps - because your feelings don't seem cheerful enough to title beautiful.

I hope that you enjoy being back soon - and that home becomes a sense of being, rather than a sense of place.

AdventuringJen said...

Thanks rosanna :)
It's very up & down at the moment, which I guess is better than permanently blah!

Anonymous said...

Victor Spinetti says
"This is home" indicating himself.
He's possibly got something there I feel.
As you'll know home is a confusing concept for me too, despite having moved in to a place... I use home to refer to both there and my parents and confuse myself... I'm still half expecting to head to the wrong one when I'm tired one day...
I don't believe that songwriter (name eludes me) as I'm pretty sure Peterborough is not 'home' but my hat is still laid there...

AdventuringJen said...

suncloud - "home" can definitely be an interchangable word too. I've started using it now but don't really mean it...